Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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