hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
