there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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