I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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