Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
