apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
