on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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