wanna go halves on a baby?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
