If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
