We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ladies don't puke and tell
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize