did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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