Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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