I hope mine doesn't look like that
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
