you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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