i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
