so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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