I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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