got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
