Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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