is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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