we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
