Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
