I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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