the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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