I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize