Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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