My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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