Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
