woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize