I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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