Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize