you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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