Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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