Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
