I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
