nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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