Don't you send me to vm
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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