this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
