If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
