i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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