the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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