There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
