god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
