"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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