watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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