FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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