FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Randomize
