How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
