you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In America we eat man semen.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
