I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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