I puked a lego.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
