Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize