You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
