So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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