Who wears a wallet chain?!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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