I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
