I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
