I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
