Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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