I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
