i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The Olympian is in my bed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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