I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
We smell like vodka and hangover
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