I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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